Open Letter to a Teabagger

If they were at a women's rights rally, would they have shown up with tampons hanging from their hats? 

Dear Teabagger: 

Yes, I know you don't like being called teabagger.  I don't like my country's economy and credit rating being hijacked by dimwits who haven't a clue as as to how the nation's economy works and haven't a care as to the negative effects they cause.  All I've hurt is your feelings.  You've damaged not only the US economy, but also the world's economy.

Please quit patting yourself on the back over the fact that you've had an effect on the world.  The purpose of changing the world is to change it for the better.  You've hurt us all.  You are the reason Standard & Poor's lowered our credit rating.  You don't care.  It was all about opposing Obama, wasn't it?  If you cause the whole country to go into a full-blown depression opposing Obama, it's worth it to you, isn't it?  And then you'll blame me and all of the "libtards" because we voted for Obama. 

I've noticed that teabaggers are real good at spouting "we the people."  Can you recite the rest of the Preamble?  You do know what the Preamble is, don't you?  I'm beginning to think that you can't recite and don't understand the rest of the Preamble.  You don't even consider the rest of the country to be a part of "we the people."  To you, we the people consists of only people who look and think like you.  The rest of us don't matter to you. 

It's painfully obvious that you do not enjoy being on the minority end of a democracy.  Nobody does, but this "take back our country" goes a bit far.  From whom are you going to take back your country?  From the majority of voters who elected Barack Obama?  From people who are tired of your culture of war?  Yeah, that's another hoot about y'all.  You scream pro-life to the sky, but you're in love with war.  You do realize that the objective of war is to kill people, don't you?  Somehow, you think dying in war is better than being aborted.  I've asked people of your ilk to explain it, but all I ever get is something along the lines of "you libtards don't get it."  You're right.  I don't get it.  Why do you think I was asking you to explain it, genius?  From the fact that you would prefer to try to be cute instead of of answering the question, I'm of the mindset that you don't get it either.  Someone told you that this is how it is,and so you took it as the gospel. 

Now that I've segued into gospel, what's your deal with the commingling of the church and state?  You're all about "taking America back for Jesus."  What makes you so sure your Jesus wants it?  Maybe he washed his hands of it.  Yes, I know.  If he punted on America, it's because of libtard Atheists like me.  We ran him out of the schools and government and so he doesn't go where he isn't wanted.  It's that whole I stand at the door and knock scripture.  Well, that's not what I'm talking about.  Granted, I don't believe in your Jesus, but for the sake of this part of the discussion, we'll say he really does exist.  What makes you so certain that he ever wanted anything to do with America?  What makes you think he cares at all about America?  I can't help but think that if America was as important to skydaddy and Jesus as you claim it is, there'd have been at least a book or two in the bible about it.  Everything else that was as important to skydaddy as you think America is got at least one book in the bible.  Why not one for America?  I know Joseph Smith put one in the Book of Mormon, but the thing about that is that the average teabagger doesn't consider Mormons to be "real christians."  You only consider people who look and think like you to be real anything. 

You're very thin-skinned.  You've gone completely sideways about being called terrorists, but what else would you call it?  As I stated earlier, you hijacked this nation's economy and credit rating for no reason other than to oppose Barack Obama.  You had a lot of us gripped in pure fear.  We were afraid you really were going to collapse the economy.  Papa Moonbat and I have 19 years left on a 30 year mortgage.  We have not struggled, scrimped, saved, clipped coupons and worked two jobs at times just to lose our house because a bunch of clueless right-wing teahadists collapsed the nation's economy just to prove to the sitting President that they could do it.  You deserve to be called terrorists.  Get over yourselves.  

Where were you when Dubya raised the debt ceiling six - count them, six - times?  Where was your moral outrage about that?  Where was your pious wailing about mortgaging our children's future then?  In fact, where was your concern about mortgaging the children's future when Reagan was mortgaging mine?  What makes it so acceptable when a Republican president does it and so unacceptable when it's a Democrat.  Oh, something you failed to realize about the debt ceiling - it wasn't about borrowing more money.  It was about being able to make the payments on what we already owe.  The interest accruing has caused the debt to reach the limit.  By law, unless the limit (the debt ceiling) is raised, the US Treasury couldn't make any more payments because we were at the limit.  I can't even blame your failure to understand this on ignorance.  It's been explained to you.  You refuse to accept that this is how it is.  You're too busy parading around in goofy costumes with tea bags hanging off your hat to actually absorb facts.  You don't want facts.  You want your little right-wing, church and state ruling each other, rich getting richer off the backs of everyone else world.  What's that?  You say you don't want the state ruling the church?  Guess what?  When the church rules the state, the state rules the church.  Look at the middle east if you don't believe me.  Besides, what branch of christianity would you put in charge?  You can't even agree on who is a christian and who isn't.  Yes, I know Christian and Christianity are supposed to be capitalized.  Do you know why?  No, it's not because skydaddy said so.  They are proper nouns.  I do not capitalize the words because I have no respect for christianity and refuse to accept it as anything proper except proper stupidity.   

I'm concerned about your standards for President of the United States ("POTUS").  You make such a big deal about Sarah Palin being qualified because you think she's pretty and she shoots off her mouth a lot.  Since when did being pretty qualify anyone for anything other than being pretty?  Being pretty shouldn't disqualify anyone from anything, but if that's all they have to offer, they don't have much.  As for her shooting off her mouth, it wouldn't be so bad if she actually knew what she was shooting off about.  As it is, she just runs that mouth ninety-to-nothing and you hang on her every word.  Some of you even went so far as to get on Wikipedia and try to re-write the history of Paul Revere's ride to conform with what Sarahcuda blathered off.  Sad.  Just sad.  You'd rather perpetuate a lie than admit that she's a dunce. 

I can go on and on, teabagger; but I've touched on what's really bothering me right now.  I do have one question for you before I go.  If Barack Hussein Obama, II was a white man named Eugene Seymour Jones, would you have even attempted your attempt at organizing?  Think about it, but spare me the "some of my best friends are black" spiel. 

Human tea bag or just another giant douche bag?  You decide.

Conversation With A Pagan Deity

The recent lost of our beloved Wolfgang has had me wishing for a beautiful, peaceful afterlife and thinking what an afterlife might be like if it was run by pagan deities - you know, the ones that predate skydaddy, jebus and the righteous spook.  I've always thought that in terms of religious beliefs, the new agers have a much better concept of it than the Abrahamic folks.  Their only rule is "harm none, do as you will."  I can dig that.  In fact, that is my main philosophy in life.  It's not exactly the rule of reciprocity, but it's in the same vein.  It tells me to not harm others and allows me to do my own thing without shame or guilt.  The pagan afterlife is pretty cool, too.  They go to this nice place they call Summerland, and after a period of time, they reincarnate.  Now, if summer in Summerland is anything like summer in the southern US, they can keep it.  I've already experienced enough of that, thank you.  It's akin to Dante's third circle of hell.  Reincarnation could be cool, too.  Maybe a chance to improve on the things we did wrong in this life.  Or it could suck - imagine coming back as a gay man somewhere that Islamic law is the law of the land.  Which got me to wondering about conversing with the deities who occupy this Summerland...

The setting is a nice, lush meadow.  A pleasant breeze is blowing, the sun is shining, the temperature is around 72 F.  There are wild flowers growing in the meadow, a pond is in the distance, and something colorful and radiant is also in the distance.  I'm sitting under a shade tree, bucket booty nekkid, with the bod I had at 27, and admittedly confused.  Suddenly, a woman appeared before me, and the following conversation ensued.

Momma Moonbat ("MB"):  Who are you, and where am I?

Mystery Woman ("Goddess"):  I'm a goddess, and this is Summerland.

MB:  Summerland?  As in pagan heaven?  You're shittin' me, right?

Goddess:  What's the last thing you remember before you saw me?

MB:  I was lighting an M80 tied to a Redneck Rocket with a cherry bomb super glued to it and a fire fartin' chicken rigged to the cherry bomb, and telling everyone "Hey, y'all!  Watch this!"

Goddess:  Yep.

MB:  Ah, a southerner's famous last words.

Goddess:  Yep.

MB:  Duuuuude.  Ok.  Hmmm...you do realize I was an atheist in life, don't you?

Goddess:  Yes.  We get a lot of atheists here.  We get everyone here.  This is where you go when you die.

MB:  Alright, now I'm really confused.  You're obviously not skydaddy, er, um, the Abrahamic god.  In fact, since gods apparently do exist, where is that fucker.  I want to kick him in the nuts.  And since I didn't believe in any god, does that mean I have to go to hell?

Goddess:  No, you're not going to any hell, and you were right about the Abrahamic deity.  It does not exist.  The whole pantheon is a load of bullshit.  Some fucker named Abraham decided to sell a bill of "my god is bigger than your god" to a bunch of Bronze Age goat herders who didn't know any better, and it just snowballed from there.  First, there's the original faction going off to rape, kill, pillage and loot, and saying that their god wanted them to do it.  Then the nutty fuckers break off into another faction, and then into yet a third faction, then the three divisions have their own sub-categories and each of 'em's a bit nuttier than the next.  You know that, though.  You've been living around the nuts.  By the way, I like that term skydaddy, I'll have to use it the next time I hear one of them say "heavenly father." 

MB:  Yeah, that was my way of ripping on them for that heavenly father crap.  So, how many of y'all are there, anyway?

Goddess:  I don't really know.  I never took a head count.  There's the Greek and Roman pantheons, which are the same pantheon, just with different names.  Their gods will answer to either name, so it's all good.  There's the Egyptians, the Norse, the Germanic, the Hindus, Shin tau...I know there's more.  I just can't think of them all.  Oh, the neopagan/Wiccan "the god" and "the goddess"...put that in the same heap with Abrahamic skydaddy.  It's a bunch of made-up bullshit.  Gerald Gardner pulling the same bunch of crap that the Abrahamic fuckers did.  He just wanted to see chicks naked.
MB:  Yeah, speaking of, where are my clothes?  And where are yours?  Aren't you supposed to be wearing robes or something?
Goddess:  Nobody wears clothes here.  We dwell in our natural state, but unlike the human realm, it's no biggie.  Seriously, nobody's going to be ogling your rack and no horndog is going to try to impress you with his wong.  It might feel a bit awkward at first, but you'll be used to it by tomorrow.
MB:  Alright.  As long as I don't have to deal with the pot bellied, hairy dudes who wore Speedos and commented on every woman's every flaw.  Anyway, I take it there are a lot of you gods here.  Why did y'all allow the humans to invent skydaddy and commit atrocities in his name?  Why didn't any of y'all appear before the humans and put a stop to it?

Goddess:  We're not too inclined to meddle in the affairs of humans.  Sorry.  It's just not our thing, and humans never expected it until the whole skydaddy thing came along.  Abraham had to pimp skydaddy as being all things to all people to get followers.  Pretty soon, humans are sending up requests to a nonexistent god, expecting the requests to be answered.  In order to pacify them when those requests go unfulfilled, the priests came up with the "mysterious ways" verbiage; and the people ate it.  
MB:  Sorry.  I'm going to have to call bullshit on someone here.  Either you're shall we say, historically challenged, or the so-called ancient scribes had vivid imaginations because Greek and Roman mythology is full of tales of the gods becoming involved in human matters.
Goddess:  There's a reason it was called mythology.
MB:  Touche'.  Not to change the subject, but what's with the shiny thing in the distance.  I can't seem to take my eyes off of it, and it's almost like it's calling me.

Goddess:  That's the Rainbow Bridge.  You have many beloved ones waiting for you there.  Go to them.  I'll be here when you get back.  And take your time.  It's been a while since you've seen some of them.

I head toward the Rainbow Bridge, happy that it is real, anxious to see my fin, feather, fur and scale babies again.  I'm also puzzled.  Not only are there gods, but they're not assholes like skydaddy.  At least skydaddy's not real. 

Two weeks later, I'm back under the shade tree with an entourage of pets.  As promised, the mystery goddess is waiting for me. 

Goddess:  It's so good to see y'all reunited.  That's one of the best parts about being here.  It always warms my heart to see this.
MB:  Yeah, I'm loving it.  All of my critters are here, and I've seen everyone I loved who died before me.  My grandparents mentioned that they won't be here much longer.  They said they're ready to reincarnate.  That kind of sucks.  Just as I get to see them again, they're gone. 
Goddess:  Yes, but it's a bit different here.  You won't notice that they're gone, and the memory of them will simply disappear.  It's our way of keeping sadness out of our realm.
MB:  That's pretty cool.  I'm starting to half-way understand how this place works, but what about all of the christians?  How do they react to finding out that they wasted their entire human life trying to appease that which does not exist?
Goddess:  It's a mixed bag.  Most of them aren't quite as irrational here as they were there.  Their preachers had a pretty powerful hold on them and played on their fears and greed to the hilt.  Once they get here and have concrete evidence in front of them, they usually accept it for what it is and enjoy their stay here.
MB:  What about the ones who don't? 
Goddess:  We kick 'em out.  They go back to the human realm immediately.  We saw how they fucked up your realm.  We don't want that shit here. 
MB:  The preachers - yeah, what about them?  I always thought that more than half of them didn't buy the bullshit they were selling and that it was nothing more than a hustle to them.  What happens to them when they get here?  Send 'em right back?
Goddess:  You're right in your belief that most of them were peddling a bill of goods to satiate their own greed.  We have a way of dealing with them.  They get sent back to the human realm as peasants, for lack of a better term, in areas festering with famine and disease.  Then there are the preachers who truly believed the venom they spewed.  Things get interesting where they're concerned.  For example, Jerry Falwell.
MB:  Oh, do tell.
Goddess:  When good ol' Jerry got here, it was Hera's turn to greet the newcomers.  I forgot to mention we all take turns doing that.  Anyway, Hera greets Jerry and right away he gets all red-faced and starts bellowing and foaming the mouth and spewing at Hera that she's a false god and a harlot and he's pointing at her and getting all belligerent.  Thing is, some parts of mythology are true.  Hera doesn't put up with bullshit.  At all.  I don't know what pissed her off more, being called  false god when she's there in front of him - woman, myth and legend - or being called a harlot.  Either way, Jerry stepped off into it.  Hera bitchpopped ol' Jerry upside the head, created a hell just like what he had preached all about, and tossed his ass in it.  He ain't gettin' out, either.  He gave up his chance at reincarnation when he pissed off Hera.  His hell was an eternal place, so that's just what she gave him.  If she wakes up in a good mood, she takes one of Zeus's thunder bolts and zaps Jerry's balls as part of her morning routine.
MB:  Damn.  What does she do if she wakes up in a bad mood?
Goddess:  You don't want to know, but it involves Poseidon's trident and Jerry's ass.
MB:  I get the gist.  Just curious, do y'all have anything in mind for Fred Phelps when he croaks?
Goddess:  Oh, yes.  While it is not our nature to get involved with matters in your realm, that doesn't mean that we don't occasionally express disapproval.  Most humans just go through their day to day lives getting through to the next day and don't really bother anyone.  If they bother anyone at all, it's harmless natterfly type stuff.  However, there are people who thrive on causing harm.  The gods of justice cannot let that go unchecked - it's not their nature.  They tend to let their punishments fit the crimes, and they're quite creative.  When Fred gets here, he will have to watch gay men have sex all day and all night.
MB:  That's not punishment!  That old fucker's a closet queen and he'll get off on it.
Goddess:  Ah, but here's where the creativity comes in.  Fred's hands will be bound so that he can't jack off.  He has to suffer with the world's worst case of blue balls.
MB:  Tantalus.  Diggin' it. Anyway, how long do I stay here before I go back to the human realm.
Goddess:  You go back when you wake up.  This has all been a dream.  You've suffered a terrible loss recently and your subconscious mind desperately wants there to be a peaceful afterlife.  This is a perfectly normal reaction.  Nobody wants to say goodbye to their loved ones - human or animal; but you'll wake up and you'll move on, just as you always have. 

The alarm clock goes off.  I wake up, hit the snooze, and spend the next five minutes thinking Papa Moonbat and I are due for a picnic and feed the ducks date.

 

Jebus on Facebook

Before I get to today's bark, I do have an announcement.  The Moonbat family has grown yet again.  Militant Atheist Son got married this past week.  He married a nice, Atheist girl.  We're very happy to welcome her to the bat cave. 

Now, down to the barkin'.  Bible thumpers never miss an opportunity to try to thump the rest of us with their weapon of choice.  If the opportunity isn't there, they'll do something to create an opportunity.  They view social networks such as Facebook (and the old MSN and Yahoo groups) as a great, big proselytizing playground.  Unfortunately, this hasn't replaced the knock-knock fundies.  It's only supplemented the effort.  The good thing about the electronic preaching is that one can always delete, ignore, or otherwise discard the offending data without having to suffer through its contents.   Today, I thought I'd pick through some of the more nauseating, annoying, irksome skydaddyjebusrighteousspook posts/messages/groups making the rounds and poke a little fun at them.  Feel free to jump in with your own snarky commentary if the notion strikes.

First up, we have a couple of farts designed to be Facebook statuses.  

This methane bomb:

"When you carry the Bible, Satan gets a headache. When you open it, he collapses. When he sees you reading it, he faints. When he sees you living it, he flees. And just when you're about to re-post this, he'll try to discourage you......Any takers?"

My response:  Fuck you.  (Granted, that's my response to all religious bullshit.)  There is no Satan, and if there was, he's not worried about your petty ass.  Your buybull doesn't cause him to faint or collapse, and it wasn't Satan who caused me to not spread your load of bullshit.  It was logic and reason and a flat out disdain for stupidity that prevented me from reposting. 

And this turd in the trousers:

"I personally believe in Jesus Christ. One Facebooker has challenged all believers to put this on their wall. The Bible says, if you deny Me in front of your peers, I will deny you in front of My Father. This is a simple test. If you are not afraid to show it, re-post this. I proudly did~ I don't just believe in him, I know Him."

This one annoys me more that most.  That whole "if you deny me, I'll deny you" childishness just sticks in my craw.  It's the Bronze Age goat herders' version of "you would if you love me" and people do it to this day.  Oh, and if you don't repost it, then you're afraid.  It goes back to the mentality of "you have to do it my way or you're wrong" that I wrote about when discussing southerners.  Then there's that "I know Him" bit.  I never understood why xtians capitalized pronouns.  Him is not a proper noun, thus in the above sentence, it should not be capitalized.  I would like to know how the fundy in question knows "Him" (sic), though.  Has he personally appeared before her - man, myth and legend - in the flesh?  Or is it just a bunch of so-called signs?  Maybe she saw jebus in the urine stain in the carpet where the puppy piddled.  Inquiring minds would like to know.

There are also several pages and groups devoted to kissing skydaddy's ass all day, every day.  It can be fun to sit and read the crap.  It has to be taken with a grain of salt, though; or one could get mighty depressed at the thought that these people live among us, the vote and they breed. 

We have this:

"WITHOUT HIM , LIFE CANNOT BE LIVE TO THE FULLEST, WITH UNCONDITION LOVE, THANK YOU FOR RESCURING ME , FRIST , FROM MYSELF , THAN SIN,,THANK YOU JESUS, WHERE THERE'S POWER AT THE CROSS."

Xtians love all-caps.  They have to shout about jebus, after all.  One thing that stands out with the above dog turd is that the spelling and grammar are atrocious.  That is a commonality among jebus people on the net.  I don't understand why.  I don't condone their lack of scientific knowledge, but at least I understand why that happens.  The bible - the King James version, at least - is the epitome of the King's English.  One would think that they could at least have a basic knowledge of spelling and grammar. 

Next:

"I said, " The path is steep." He said, " I'm at your side."
I said, "But I am weak." He said, "For you I died."
...I said, "Dark valleys come." He said, "I'll guide you through."
I said, "But I'm not brave." He said, "I'll walk with you."
I said, "Be light to me, And strength as I go on."
He said, "I'm more. I'm love, You'll never walk alone."

Alright, how about:  I said:  "My leg got blown off by an IED."  He said:  "Sucks to be you."

Shit in one hand and pray in the other.

Another ditty:

"Ask The Elder Radio Show  To ALL Atheists..... Please stay away from these ridiculous Atheist websites that sends you out on a Wild Goose chase to ask Christians the same questions over and over again to try and prove that God doesn't exist. Due to your ignorance on how to interpret the bible, you will trip and fall every time. You just wasted 2 weeks of my life asking circular questions. Then after you fail, you get tongue tide and use profanity and threats of violence. But thanks for hitting the "Like" button"

This one made me  think of my buds Bart and Brent.  They're gooooood at heckling fundy pages.  However, there isn't really any organized atheist movement to go we therefore and harass all fundies.  Dipshit ads for fundy pages appear on the right side of the screen and we get sick of it.  Go to any atheist-based page and check the right side of your screen.  Fundy pages galore.  We're atheists, for fuck's sake.  We don't want any skydaddy.  I guess some fundy thought it would be a really nifty way to save souls by putting jebus pages out there anytime the word "atheist" appears.  They didn't think that one through.  We just go to your pages to harass the living hell out of you, and if you have half a brain, you'll end up questioning your own beliefs when we're through with you.  If you don't want to be bothered by us, the solution is simple:  leave us the fuck alone. 

Finally, I'd like to share a link to a doozy.  I think those tongue speaking fuckers are completely, unabashedly, beyond any doubt, full-blown batshit crazy.  There's no other way to put it.  Rather than copy and paste snippets and try to figure out who is more batshit than whom, I'll just post a link to the page and you can dig it for yourself. 

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Speaking-in-Tongues/39727361497

Admittedly, I'm half tempted to join the page, post sybionekholibyahsy shoudtnbytgapspgt hshsytbjtt, tell 'em I'm typing in tongues and see if anyone amens it.

That's it for today, moonbats.  Until next time, that image in your toast isn't Jeebus.  It's the Zig Zag man.